alcoholToday, we will discuss alcohol, one of the most popular techniques for achieving wellness. For as long as I can remember, people have been telling me that I’m not well. My teachers in school were particularly vocal on the subject. Conscious of this flaw, I have spent a lifetime trying to get better.

After a certain amount of trial-and-error, I found that alcohol works best. When consumed in moderation, it fills me with a deep sense of peace and well-being. I laugh a lot. Sometimes I fall down, causing minor injury. I’m just lucky that way. I’m not one of those drunks who beats up his wife. Besides, my wife would probably beat me right back, and her reflexes are better than mine.

You could be one of the lucky ones too. You could be a happy drunk. So if you’re seeking wellness, one of the first things you should do is try pouring yourself a couple of stiff ones. Millions of people are doing this every day, and you know millions of people can’t be wrong. It’s the essence of democracy.

Once you’ve had a couple, probe your brain to see how you’re feeling. Are you feeling the urge to commit acts of violence? This could make you feel better afterwards — improving your mental wellness — but it can be risky, especially if you’re in a bar. You will have noticed that the bouncers are getting bigger. It’s human evolution. As we speak, entire villages across India are feeding their sons protein supplements from a very young age so that they can grow up to become bouncers. It’s a growing market. People need people to beat up other people. As a result, once you wake up in the hospital and see your bill, both your physical and mental wellness will decline considerably.

One other result of alcohol could be that you start feeling depressed. Is the face of your boss floating in front of your eyes? Did you just realise that most of your classmates are earning much more than you? Is it becoming clear how flawed you are as a parent? Are you feeling lasting regret that you did not learn Gujarati? You should stop drinking immediately. Alcohol is not for you. What you need is drugs. We will share the guidelines for this in a later issue.

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